Human Hands and Saws Don't Mix

I was watching a T.V. programme called "Bizarre ER" which is on BBC 3. When I say "watching" what I mean is I watched it through a cushion. It's not scary or anything, just really, really gross!! Some of those injuries are enough to make you weep from your sofa. For example, there was the kid with Lego stuffed so far up his nose that he had to go under the knife to get it out. Or the kid who ran down a quarry, fell, landed, sat up and discovered there was a stick poking out the side of his head. Yuck.

But that's not the worst. I didn't need the cushion for those kind of injuries. (Although anything not in the right place, anything not pointing the way it should and anything losing way to much blood means the cushion gets to watch).

The programme also does a special on some poor sod who's had a really horrific accident which has left them somehow alive. Like the guy who's entire face moved 1cm to the other side after he was hit by this huge...um... thingie... which snapped off of a lorry and smacked him on the side of his face. Or the guy who was attacked by thousands of bees and left mentally screwed over by buzzing noises. Or the guy who fell off of his skateboard and hit his head so hard that his skull had to be put in a freezer (his own mothers freezer too) to help it fuse back together and also to help the swelling in his brain go down.

Now these special reports are all acompanied by photographs. Disturbing photographs of strange shaped heads. Disturbing photographs of a guy covered in bees (he was a funny colour as well). Disturbing surgical photographs. Photographs that probably won't come out at family gatherings. Actually they might... Yuck.

But sometimes there are worse injuries than that. For the second week in a row a guy has been wheeled in, looking really pale and groaning with his hand wrapped in a bloodsoaked bandage. Both of these guys were a pretty good age and both were (I think) experienced joiners. So both would hopefully know the dangers of THE ELECTRIC SAW. Both didn't...

It was just horrific and is proof that human hands and saws do not mix. The first guy managed to give his hand one huge hole. Actually it can't be described as a hole; it was just a red spongy mess. He didn't have any fingers!! I can't describe the horror at looking at someones fingers lying on a table in front of their owner who's just staring in complete shock at them. I'll end it there because I'm beginning to feel shuddery again. The guys hand was saved but after a hell of a lot of surgery.

So the second guy enters. His hand and fingers were still attached to the arm. Sort of. On the back of his hand was a huge cut which had folded his skin into his tendons which ment his hand was useless. The surgeons did a great job at making it look more like a hand again but he'd lost a lot of its use.

So the lesson here is:
- Don't screw around with electric saws!!! The inside of your hand is red and squidgy and gross, no-one really wants to see it. And sometimes fingers can't be sewen back on..

Actually I do not know why I attempt to watch that programme.

*Hold onto your panties people!! Next Tuesday (May 3rd) I'm going to see The Defiled at Ivory Blacks in Glasgow. Expect a blog around next Thursday or the Tuesday after!!! Just so you know I am sooo excited for this!!*

Supermarket Fun!!

Dear customers/staff of Sainsbury, ASDA, Morrisons and other big supermarket chains,

I love screwing with your heads and, in a way, you brought it on yourselves. Whenever I entered these shops with my dad you all just glared at us as if we were not father and daughter but rather boyfriend and girlfriend. (EWWW!!) You don't do that when I'm in with my mum. So now that I am sick of your glaring and dirty looks and possible muttered comments, I have decided to get revenge. It might make us look worse but laughing at you is the best thing ever.

Let me explain my plan:

1. Walk into supermarket with dad and younger sister (the 2 year old sister works the best)
2. Find a busyish aisle
3. Get sister to "yell on daddy, sweetie"
4. Yell "darling" or "sweetie" if he gets to far away therefore getting more of your attention.
5. Catch your eye, smile innocently and then yell "Hey dad wait on us!!" and watch you turn beetroot as you realise how warped your mind really is.

If the 2 year old isn't available then all I do is run around after dad yelling "darling!" "Sweetie" or I occasionally link arms with him (in a busy aisle) Wait until I have your attention and then whisper loudly enough for you to hear; "dad that person is watching us... *in a high pitched voice while rolling eyes* Creepy...."

So hahahahaha! I am screwing with your minds because you all have a mind that belongs in a gutter you filthy pervs!!

Sincerely

Me.

*Sticks tongue out at you*

UPDATE!!

Hello, I just want to update you all on two of my previous posts.

The first is an update on my wonderful sister who has been busy keeping everyone entertained with her "moments" (see "It's Like You Need To Pee-Pee But You Don't Need To Pee-Pee" and "My Sister Vs Me At The Doctors").

Anyways, recently this happened:

My sister, my mum and myself were sitting in front of the T.V one night. I was flicking through the channels when I discovered we had a channel called "God Channel" (and that's just one of many religion based channels). For a laugh I said;
"Oh this is making me become religious."
My sister replied with;
"I'd rather be a nun than religious."

After several minutes of complete confusion and explaining to my sister what a nun actually was, she said;
"Oh I thought nuns were the church cleaners!"

Honestly...

Moving on. The second update is the result of a slightly painful procedure. It is tattoo number 10 (- see "I Am A Walking Piece Of Paper!! Draw On Me!!")

And here it is!!

Okay it's raised, red and there is some bruising starting to form at the top. Let me tell you it hurt more than getting my foot done but only because it's on a sensitive area.  This tattoo is again based on song lyrics (see the pattern here? It's my fifth music related tattoo.) It is actually lyrics from "Jesus Of Suburbia" by Green Day and is taken from Part 4 of the song which is called "Dearly Beloved." It is the last two lines of the song, my favourite lines, and it goes like this:

"Nobody's perfect and I stand accused. For lack of a better word and that's my best excuse."

Despite the pain I do like it a lot and I think it (sort of) gives a reason (or excuse haha!!) to the other tattoo (the chorus to "Surfacing") which is just next to it. No-one is perfect!!

2012 Is NOT The End Of The World

I'm so sick of people freaking out about the world "ending" in 2012. These are the people who enjoy making up "likes" on Facebook while making up some sort of ritual to try and save themselves. Perhaps they sacrifice their first born to the dark lord in return for immortality.

Anyway there is no need to panic because here is proof that the world will not end in 2012.

That is a tin of tuna. It expires in 2015 - 3 years after 2012.

See? No need for panic.